CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19)
Julianne Moore once said "I have a secret fear". That was it. I know, crazzy. Have you seen a movie lately? Then go and get a hot stone massage. Do they still do that there?
AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18)
Aqua ladies, feeling like you have been working hard? Then slugged a friend. In a few weeks, a romantic Venus and a hot sun, like burning hot will vy for your attention. Is vy even a word? Meh.
PISCES (February 19-March 20)
You will find inspiration in bed. Use these to develop more destructive habits. Friends unload their problems on you? Then snap on them to fix it. Your friends will respect it.
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Your Ram is in overdrive right now. Speed in a racetrack, but dont forget to run over your friends and family. Reese Withspoon once said "Its really great to have a groundhog in my life." You can be fierce and independent, but you dont need your loved ones much. Make sense? No? Screw you.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
PUT DOWN YOUR CREDIT CARD. Damn you, your going into debt. While your there I will need a new car and a diamond sock.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Eccentric planet (that is a nice way to say crazy) Mercury (don't breathe it in) is stomping on the accelerator. Oh man, that made no sense. Make me a sandwich.
CANCER (June 21-July 23)
You have been showing great discipline in the last few months, prostituting your "fun stuff". Your party friends are not impressed with your deal with life attitude, so kill them off. Seek out a new companion who respects your adult side, and likes how you dress up in a naughty nurse uniform.
LEO (July 24-August 22)
Toss some confetti. Stop abstaining from sex. Actually, your a pretty big slut, so I probably was wrong when I said you didnt have sex...wait, are you having sex right now? Oh my god, you are a skank. Is your name Nikki or Mo the Ho?
VIRGO (August 23-September 22)
Put those tabloids down, this zine is the sheet. *Shit* Stop wondering about J. Lo's or Beyonces successes and focus on your own. They are talentless anyway. Well maybe not Beyonce, at least she can sing. They both have big butts and stuff but J.Lo cant sing.....or act.....or keep a man.
LIBRA (September 23-October 22)
I ROCK
SCORPIO (October 23-November 21)
Thank the lucky stars. Financial wind appeal and sex falls are yours free for the month. Any favours coworkers grant will come with guilt and favours. Or they call them tricks. Thats what you get for working with a bunch of transvestite whores.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21)
Okay so we know you get hives, and maybe the occasional eye problem, actually you have quite a few problems with your eyes. Man, you really should get that checked. Hey my eye is itchy. Is it contagious? Is it red eye? OH MY GOD IS IT EBOLA??
